I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
