i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
