Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
