Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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