Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
