In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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