So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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