I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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