you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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