we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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