i think my tv is drunk
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm always down for nudity.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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