you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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