every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
