I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
