I met the friendliest cop last night
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
