So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
