the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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