shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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