i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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