he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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