I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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