That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
