god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
