"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
