She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
