I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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