i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Randomize
