Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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