I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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