Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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