Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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