I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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