you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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