upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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