The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
