Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
