Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
