Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
