its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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