Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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