im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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