He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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