I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
