I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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