She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
