My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
