maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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