I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
