I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
