i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
