the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
