sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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