The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
