I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
