i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
