I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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