Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
