My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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